I love the end of summer. I feel an intense excitement about the coming school year. It's been the same since 2016, the first year that both of my kids were in at least half day of school. I’m going to preface the rest of this with: I love my kids. They are great kids and fun to be around. Parenting is one of the most important roles in my life, and I honestly want to ace it.
AND, by the end of the summer, my nervous system is crying out for a return to the routine and structure that the beginning of the new school year provides. In previous years I used to play it down because I thought I should be feeling more sad about not seeing them all day. I wondered if I was being ‘cold’ or gasp - did this mean I was a bad parent? If you, too, have feelings of giddyness at the thought of part time childcare or full time school and what it means for you, I’m going to explain why feeling this way does not need to incite guilt or worry about being a good parent. It's neuroscience.
Initially, summer might be a welcome change in routine. Less early starts, no lunch boxes to prepare, maybe a vacation, seeing friends and family, new experiences, fun days out, late nights etc. Lots of good stuff happening and memories being made. But as parents, we know that all of those things take planning, preparation, and bandwidth to ‘make happen’. Added to that, parenting in the summer means responding and reacting to all of our kid’s needs: their eating habits, meltdowns, sibling conflicts and sleep disturbances that often occur as a result of the change in routine, travel, extra activities and late nights. All of this is placing a load on what is known as our executive functioning system.
Executive function is like our brain’s management system - responsible for planning, prioritising, working memory, self control and managing our emotions, to name just a few of the skills in this system.The reduced structure and routine of summer coupled with tired, overstimulated (or understimulated) kids' can overload our executive function system especially as the summer draws to a close. This explains exactly why you might be less patient and more irritable with your kids around this time of year.
Our sensory system too can also be overloaded by the end of the summer. Chatting with relatives, noisy kids having a blast with cousins, car journeys, sun screen and sand everywhere, sharing beds with everyone in tight spaces etc can be wonderful one minute and too much the next. That's our sensory system reaching a threshold for what it can tolerate. Every single one of us - adults and kids alike - has a unique sensory system and the summer holidays shine a light on this whether we understand it or not. It's always working in the background.
So why does September feel like such a relief?
Firstly, returning to structure for many of us can be very regulating. Not having to plan every part of the day with our kids, and being able to default to the routine takes some of the pressure off our executive function system. Our brain has to work less hard with familiar situations.
The obvious peace and quiet when the kids are back at school give some sensory reprieve too. I have space to think without interruption. I can be creative and do my own projects and work without nagging thoughts of what I'm going to feed everyone for lunch or negotiating screen time with my tween. And this is the kicker: when we are more regulated, our parenting is better too. We can show up for our kids in the way they need, which is to be not just physically present, but to bring our awareness to them, tune into them, notice their body language and behaviour, and respond to them with love and care.
Showing up for our kids in this way is so much harder when we ourselves are overloaded from an executive function or sensory point of view. Have you ever snapped at your child or dismissed their feelings when you were exhausted, stressed or distracted by something else bothering you? We have all been there.
The return to routine in September doesn't mean I'll suddenly be a perfect parent (ha!), but having a better balance of activity, space, and autonomy will definitely help me to parent the way I want to. Looking after our own needs and understanding more about how our nervous systems work is one of the most valuable things we can do for ourselves and for the people we live with.
So if you can’t wait for September, the return to school or a new childcare routine, I hope you recognize that this doesn't mean you care about your kids any less. This is you tuning in to your brain and body, recognizing the rhythm that works for you and what it takes to be a connected parent.
Clare O’Byrne
Clare is a parent coach with a background in occupational therapy who helps families navigate the ups and downs of parenting with science, compassion and real life perspective. She hosts the podcast Globally Thriving Families.
